


Catch Your Breath

by DLanaDHZ



Category: 9-1-1 (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Soulmates, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Buckley Siblings, Evan "Buck" Buckley & Henrietta "Hen" Wilson Friendship, Hanahaki Disease, Hanahaki is tied to the Soul Bond, Happy Ending, Hurt Evan "Buck" Buckley, M/M, Misunderstandings, No Lawsuit, Pining, Post-Tsunami (9-1-1), Protective Henrietta "Hen" Wilson, Protective Maddie Buckley, Sick Evan "Buck" Buckley, Soul Bond, Soulmate-Identifying Marks, Supernatural Illnesses, references to dying
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-10
Updated: 2021-03-14
Packaged: 2021-03-16 19:55:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 21,389
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29955081
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DLanaDHZ/pseuds/DLanaDHZ
Summary: Buck has been a firefighter long enough to know what it means when someone is throwing up flower petals. It means heartache and physical pain. It means almost certain death. He knows, of course. He just never thought it would happen to him.
Relationships: Evan "Buck" Buckley/Eddie Diaz (9-1-1 TV), Lena Bosko/Eddie Diaz (9-1-1 TV)
Comments: 175
Kudos: 517





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I wanted a hanahaki fic for the fandom and I wanted to write a soul mate fic, so I threw them in together. According to the comments my beta left for me - you're gonna cry. But there's a light at the end of the tunnel, so you'll be happy about it.
> 
> Thanks to JessicaMDawn for the beta.

Bosko.  
  
The name was written on tape and plastered over his name on the lockers. She was using his space. His uniform and gear were no longer hanging there. Her shirt and her shoes and her nametag glinted back from the place that used to say "Buckley".  
  
Buck swallowed down the pain in his chest. He'd worked so hard. He'd done everything to get back here, but he'd worked too hard and set himself back and now...  
  
Bosko. Not Buckley.  
  
He glanced toward the gym, where Eddie was spotting for her. God, was he so easily replaced? She looked like she belonged there. Everyone was giving her smiles and encouraging words as they walked by. Eddie looked excited as he counted reps for Bosko, like he was having fun just being beside her. Had he looked that invested in helping Buck before? Buck wanted to say yes. He wanted to say he remembered Eddie and him moving in sync, happy to coexist and help each other out. He wanted to say Eddie looked happier with him than anyone else, but now he wasn’t so sure.  
  
Bosko. Not Buckley.  
  
"You doing alright there, Buck?" Chim asked, coming to grab something from his locker. "You look a little pale."  
  
"Yeah, I'm fine," he said and even managed a smile. "Hey, I can't help but notice Eddie and Bosko look really close. When did that happen?"  
  
Chim frowned in thought before smiling a little. "The tsunami, I think. They met at the ferris wheel, then they got to talking at the VA. Eddie's been pretty happy ever since."  
  
"Yeah?" He tried to covertly clear his throat to stop the squeak in his words.  
  
"Yep. When I tried to tease him about it, he said he thinks she's his soul mate." Chim smirked a little at Buck's surprised expression. "Don't look so dumb, Buck. He deserves to be happy, and if her initials are on his chest and she makes him happy, then I say let him have it."  
  
Buck quickly got control of his face. "I didn't say anything. Of course he deserves to be happy. I want him to be happy." He wanted Eddie to be happy with _him_.  
  
Chim shook his head slightly, like maybe he didn't believe Buck. Buck plastered another grin on his face and excused himself to talk to Bobby, but really he just needed to be alone.  
  
Soul mates.  
  
When he was sure no one could see, he tugged the collar of his shirt down so he could see the letters on his chest, over his heart. Almost everyone had them. The initials of the person who would make you happy for the rest of your life. Your soul mate. The pale letters marking Buck's chest curved into the letters "E.D." Eddie Diaz. Edmundo Diaz. Buck had been so sure about it.  
  
The way Buck felt when he first saw Eddie, all jittery and anxious – he’d mistaken it for jealousy, then feared it as the first sign of the soul mate bond. It wasn’t that Buck didn’t want his soul mate, or that he was upset it was a man. No, Buck was just so used to be left behind that the thought of his soul mate had always secretly scared him. But when Eddie smiled at him and said, “You’re a badass under pressure” and “You can have my back any day”, it was like some part of Buck finally fit into place. Everything just felt _right_ , and he stopped being afraid.  
  
But Eddie wasn’t showing any signs of reciprocating, so Buck held himself back. He just wanted to be near Eddie, because it felt like being near the sun in the best way, and he wouldn’t jeopardize that.

Once upon a time, he'd caught sight of Eddie's as the man's workout shirt had slid to the side. He'd seen the last initial on his chest. B. Combined with how happy and wanted and liked and just warm Eddie managed to make him feel - how could they not be soul mates? But B was a common initial.  
  
Buck let his shirt go, covering his skin and the letters.  
  
Bosko. Not Buckley.  
  
Of course. Of course. After throwing himself headlong into the happiness he felt in the Diaz household – with Christopher and Pepa and Abuela – after all his self-improvement and his honest search for love, Buck had still managed to pick the wrong person. He covered his face and took a deep breath. He'd been so sure. He'd been so... in love. He'd been so _stupid_.  
  
"You alright there, Buck?" It was Bobby.  
  
Clearing his throat and blinking back his emotion, Buck straightened up and said, "What? Yeah, I'm good. Just gonna head home. I, uh, I've got some food scheduled for delivery soon."  
  
His captain didn't look convinced. He studied Buck for a long while before he said, "If you're sure. I'll give you a call once I've spoken with the chief about your reinstatement. Shouldn't be too much longer. You hang in there, alright?"  
  
Buck stretched his smile. "Absolutely. Excited to come back," he said before turning and making a hasty exit.  
  
He didn't look back at the gym, at Eddie.  
  
Bosko. Not Buckley.  
\--- --- ---  
  
He was reinstated three days later. There was cake but no banner, and he pretended that didn't bother him. The tape had been removed from his locker and all his stuff had been returned. Bosko had returned to her own station since repairs had been completed and everything was up and running. For a moment, Buck believed everything was back to normal.  
  
People clapped him on the back, and several stopped him to tell him funny stories he’d missed. It really felt like coming home, and Buck let himself release the tension that had been building in his shoulders all day. He was home, with the family he chose, with the people he cared about. Everything would be fine.

Eddie came bounding up in the locker room and gave him a quick hug. "Good to have you back, Buck," he said, all smiles. The hug was too short, but Eddie stayed in close and Buck grinned at the proximity. It was odd, though. Eddie wasn’t usually the bouncing, hugging type. That was Buck’s M.O.  
  
He leaned back as though that could help him see Eddie clearer. "Thanks, but, uh, what's up with you? You look like a kid in a toy store."  
  
Laughing slightly with nerves, Eddie opened his own locker to grab his shirt. "Really? I guess it's just nerves. I'm going out with Lena tonight." He glanced down at the clothes, folded but visible, in his bag.  
  
"Oh, I heard. Soul mate, huh?" Buck’s mouth was dry. He quickly switched his t-shirt for his work shirt, careful to turn away from Eddie so the other couldn’t see his chest. He’d never worried about it showing around Eddie before, but now…  
  
"I dunno." Eddie closed his locker and leaned back on it so he could look out at the trucks. “Her initials match, and she’s an amazing firefighter. I’m just testing the ground.” He glanced back at Buck. “Mind if I ask about your initials?”  
  
“What?” Buck instinctively pressed a hand over his chest, defensive. A week ago, he would have been pretty excited for Eddie to ask him, to finally broach this topic. Now, he worried about what Eddie would say if he saw the letters there. Would he immediately know what Buck had been assuming?  
  
“Sorry.” Eddie shook his head. “Personal, I know. I don’t want to see or anything. I guess I’m just trying to figure out if you’ve met yours and how to know if I’ve got the right person.”  
  
He was serious about this. He wanted to do this soul mate thing right. Buck could understand that. He could respect and love that about Eddie. Just one more thing that Buck loved. That didn’t make the pain go away. Buck slowly shook his head and cleared his throat, which felt irritated and rough.

“No. No, I haven’t… um… met mine,” he said. He’d thought it was Eddie. He’d planned to bring it up once he got his job back. He didn’t want Eddie humoring him because he was injured, so the timing had seemed like a good plan. Now it just seemed like a waste of time.

The frown on Eddie’s face just made everything worse. But before the shorter man could say anything, the alarm rang out and they hurried to turn out and jump on the trucks. Buck was glad for it. The job was his element. He could focus on work and not focus on Eddie going out with someone that wasn’t him.

\--- --- ---

They were clearing out an apartment building when it happened. A gas leak on the bottom floor required all residents to be temporarily evacuated while the building was searched for further leaks. Eddie and Buck split up to check each apartment. Buck had entered the last apartment on his floor, gotten the man and his wife to evacuate, when he suddenly couldn’t breathe. He coughed and wheezed and tried to clear whatever was obstructing his airway.

Finally, after a long minute of hacking, something came out of his throat. He stared down at the laminate floorboard of the apartment, his eyes crinkled in confusion. There was a flower resting there as though it had fallen from a vase, except there wasn’t any vase or flower decoration around.

Carefully, Buck bent down and lifted the bloom. It was small and pale blue, and Buck was sure he recognized the flower even though he couldn’t think of the name. But this had come out of his mouth? He cleared his throat unconsciously, checking for any blockage, and found none. How had he gotten a flower stuck in his throat? He glanced around and confirmed that there was no set of flowers anywhere in the room.

Buck frowned and dropped the flower back to the floor. He didn’t have time to wonder about the flower. He had a job to do. So he pushed thoughts of the coughing and the flower to the back of his mind, and when the job was finished and people could return to their homes safely, Buck had forgotten about it entirely.

\--- --- ---

After his shift, Buck went home and passed out for six blissful hours. He woke up like normal. He got dressed like normal. He almost walked out of his front door like normal, except he remembered his next shift didn’t start for seventeen hours and stopped himself. He had nowhere to be. Pulling out his phone, he wondered who might be available for last minute plans.

His first thought was Eddie, of course. Christopher building Legos and roller coasters and cheating at video games. Eddie sorting through menus on what to order for dinner or throwing a Stouffers meal into the oven and smiling over at his son and Buck. That smile meant so much to Buck – like Eddie felt warm in his chest when he saw Buck with Chris, like maybe he saw what Buck was feeling, like they could be a family.

Other than Eddie, the only person Buck really hung out with was Maddie. But Maddie had a shift later, and Buck was pretty sure she was hanging with Chimney until one of them had to go to work. She was out of the equation.

\- Hey Eddie, you got plans today?

\- Hanging with Lena. Sorry.

The phone hit the floor and bounced away, but Buck’s mind couldn’t focus on it. He coughed so hard that he almost fell over. He was gasping and hacking, trying to clear his airway. For several moments, he worried he’d choke to death on nothing, but then several somethings came out of his throat.  
  
His eyes were watering when he was finally able to get a good breath, and he blamed that for his initial confusion after. He wiped at his eyes, trying to figure out what he was seeing, but even without tears there was no mistaking it. A tiny pile of flowers was scattered on the floor by his feet – the same pale blue blooms from the apartment the day before.  
  
Buck shook as he dropped to his knees beside the flowers. There was only one reason he’d be coughing up flowers. And it wasn’t good. He used to think he understood this disease, this Hanahaki, but staring down at the flowers he realized he’d never understood a damn thing.  
  
It was so different when it was you and not just strangers.

\--- --- ---

Back before he’d nearly drowned in the tsunami, back before the ladder truck had crushed his leg, even before Buck had to watch his best friend sob over his dead wife, there had been a call that he couldn’t forget. It was a sadly common call, about as common as cats and people stuck in trees, but it was only the second one they’d had since Eddie had joined them.  
  
Buck stood back while Hen and Chimney looked the poor girl over. She was sitting on her bed, looking totally healthy but sounding awful. Her breaths were ragged and short and came out in a horrible wheeze. She was suffocating while sitting in her room. Beside him, Eddie shook his head sadly.  
  
“Hanahaki,” he murmured. They’d known, but it was always hard to see.  
  
“Late stage,” Chim said, pulling off his stethoscope and rummaging around in the bag at his feet. “I can give you a shot, but it’s not a solution.”  
  
Hen gently put a hand on the girl’s shoulder and gave her a sympathetic look. All around the room, piles and streams of flowers and crushed petals littered the floor and bed. They were white and yellow, and Buck couldn’t begin to name what kind of flowers they came from, but that wasn’t the point. It had been a long time since Buck had seen anyone with such an advanced case of Hanahaki. It always made him a little squeamish.  
  
Hanahaki was an old disease. It came from the same energy that made up the soul mate connection. Even after the whole of human history, there were only two known cures. One was a surgery by a specialist: One hundred percent guaranteed to stop the spread of the illness. It had the same odds of survival as any other procedure that required sedation and open chest surgery; so many people liked their odds. The only huge downside was that it caused a sort of amnesia that was permanent and a temporary loss of empathy.  
  
“How can she have hanahaki?” It was the girl’s brother, standing just inside the room and gnawing at his fingernails. “She-She isn’t even dating anyone.”  
  
“Same way as everyone else,” Hen said with a sad sigh.  
  
“A glitch in the soul bonds.” Chim was injecting the girl with a pale blue serum. Almost immediately, her wheezing began to abate. “Triggered by the intense heartbreak of being rejected by someone she _thought_ was her soul mate. “  
  
“That’s impossible,” the brother said with a grunt. “She hasn’t met her soul mate or anyone like one. She’s not interested in anyone!”  
  
Eddie stepped in front of the young man and held a hand up. “Sir. With all due respect, your sister has Hanahaki. She’s likely had it for over a week for it to be at this stage. She either needs to find her soul mate or have a surgery.”  
  
“Then she’ll have the surgery,” the brother all but growled. Buck knew the guy was just scared, but he really wished people would stop blaming them for the situations they got themselves into.  
  
From the bed, the girl was finally able to speak. “I won’t,” she said, still taking harsh breaths. “I won’t have the surgery.”  
  
Her brother pushed past Eddie and knelt beside her on the bed. “Laila, don’t say that. You have to. If you don’t, you’ll die.”  
  
“If I do, I’ll forget,” she said, tears streaming down her face. “I’ll forget all about him. I’d rather die than live without him!”  
  
The brother tried to console her, argue against the idea, but the girl was young and desperately in love. It was true, though. Hanahaki could be cured by a surgery, but you forgot everything about the person who’d caused the glitch in your soul bond. The only way to heal the heart was to remove the emotions that plagued it. Harsh, but often necessary. The other cure was to find your soul mate. All those kid fairy tales about true love’s kiss saving the day had a basis. The profession of love between soul mates could cure Hanahaki because the disease was caused by the same thing that formed soul mate bonds. The intense heartbreak of love had very real, dangerous, physical effects, but True Love could fix it.  
  
Well in any case, it had worked for Sleeping Beauty, right? Maleficent sent a thorn bush to strangle the beauty from the inside out, she was magically put to sleep to stop the spread, and the handsome prince saves her life with a soul mate’s kiss. Happy Endings, yo.  
  
Yeah, it didn’t work out so well in life. Many people didn’t get the surgery and didn’t receive a soul mate’s kiss. They just… died. Suffocated to death. Still, over half the people who developed Hanahaki opted for the surgery, meandered through the recovery period, and then lived very normal lives.  
  
The siblings were taken to the hospital still arguing about what they should do about the disease. Buck took one last look around the petal covered room before he left. It had been a long, long time since he’d seen anyone with such an advanced stage of Hanahaki. It made him a little nauseated to think about. Swallowing around the lump in his throat, he turned and hurried back to the truck with the others.

Back at the station, Chim groaned, leaning back and rubbing a hand over his face. “God, I hate Hanahaki calls."  
  
"Yeah. They're always so tragic," Hen agreed. "I mean, can you imagine? The amount of heartache it takes to trigger that disease? I'm surprised anyone chooses not to forget that kind of pain."

“Yeah,” Buck agreed. “It kinda seems like a no-brainer, right? I mean it’s not even your soul mate. Why die over them? Especially when the surgery is a guaranteed solution?”

Eddie shrugged, and he was so close that their shoulders bumped. “Well no surgery is perfect. Maybe they have some condition that makes surgery the lesser option. A quality-of-life issue?”

Buck got an adrenaline high from Eddie’s contact and he nodded along encouragingly. “Well I think I’d get the surgery,” he said. “Not that it matters. I’ve never been in love with someone I thought was my soul mate before, and when I do fall in love with someone that hard, you know it’s gonna be the real deal.”

He conveniently left out his growing certainty that Eddie Diaz was the ED on his chest. Public displays of affection were fine and all, but Buck preferred to be romantic in private, like flowers and a hot air balloon ride. Like showing up with a specially modified skateboard for Chris or suggesting a teacher for surf lessons. Basically, confessing in front of the team was not on his list of plans.

“You didn’t think Abby was your soul mate?” Hen asked, surprised.

“Nah. Her initials didn’t match.” He saw the suspicious look aimed at him from her talented facial expressions and quickly held his hands up in deference. “But I mean I still loved her. Just not in the Soul-Bond-Breaking kind of way.”

“Good,” Eddie said, smiling at him. Buck’s heart warmed immensely. A simple word from Eddie, and he felt so good inside. “We don’t need you dying by flowers anytime soon.”

The idea was ridiculous, so Buck laughed.

\--- --- ---

The memory of their Hanahaki conversation haunted Buck for two days after he threw up that first flower at work. Every moment of his day off was an opportunity to be reminded of it. He paced and he worked out and he tried not to think about it, but he did.

What was he gonna do?

Well, he knew for sure what he _wasn’t_ going to do. He wasn’t going to tell Eddie. Because this had to be about Eddie. Buck was hacking up flowers, which meant Hanahaki, which meant heartache over a soul mate. The only person Buck had ever thought was his soul mate – believed it with his whole heart – had been Eddie.

Buck had loved Abby, had wanted to be her everything, but her initials didn’t match his. But he liked the way he felt when he was with her. He liked _who_ he was with her. He’d wanted to make it work even though he knew their initials didn’t match. He thought she had too – until she didn’t come back.

But Eddie was different. Loving someone but knowing they weren’t your soul mate, that didn’t give you Hanahaki. Hanahaki only came when you gave your whole heart to someone, believed they were your person, and then the universe slapped you in the face because they weren’t yours. They never were, and you’ve been fooling yourself for months, years, thinking you were building up to something wonderful, all the way up until you got put on medical leave and had to find out your family temporarily replaced you with some woman they met in the middle of the tsunami you almost died in and that apparently your best friend’s initials are LB and not EB, and Jesus Christ!

Buck gave up on pushups and laid face down on the floor, hands on his head. He heaved against the wood, out of breath from too much working out and the fear building inside him that he’d start throwing up more flowers at any moment. Or maybe he was out of breath because the soul plant had already started taking root, filling up his chest and compressing his lungs. Maybe he was already dying.

No. No, Hanahaki never worked that fast. He was fine. He’d only had it for two days. He had a couple weeks, right?

He wouldn’t tell Eddie. If Eddie knew, it would break his heart. Buck knew Eddie wouldn’t blame him or hold it against him at all, but he would feel guilty about it. Buck wouldn’t let that happen. This was Buck’s fault. Buck would deal with the consequences.

He just had to figure out which consequences he could live with.

\--- --- ---

Buck remembered that Hanahaki call again when he saw Eddie at work the following day.

Luckily, things hadn’t changed between them. Eddie greeted him with a warm smile and a pat on the back. He didn’t flinch when Buck slid an arm around his shoulders during a speech Bobby gave about teamwork and its much less fun cousin – paperwork. Buck was allowed to be beside Eddie, to ache with want and love and happiness, just as he’d been doing for months. Everything was normal. Everything was fine.

Buck wanted everything to stay exactly like this.

The alarm sounded and drew them all out to a call involving a man who’d suctioned himself to his lawn chair. It was a pretty easy fix, but the lawn chair was a mess of pieces afterward. Eddie leaned his and Buck’s shoulders together while Hen and Chim gave the guy a brief exam.

“Hey, you wanna grab lunch after work?” he asked, as he’d been doing with more frequency in the last several weeks.

“Yeah, absolutely,” Buck agreed, because he was in love and a loser. But still, lunch sounded fun. Just the two of them. No work haunting them. Yes, please.

Except now Buck’s chest ached with the thought of being alone with Eddie. Bosko, not Buckley, after all. Maybe it would be best if he took a step back from Eddie.

The day and the night went over as smooth as could be expected. It was just another day in their lives. Buck tried to remember not to be too friendly with Eddie, but it came so naturally. It was their dynamic. They teased and they touched and they smiled, and Buck ached so good that he forgot he had ever ached badly. He just rode the buzz of Eddie’s presence throughout the shift and hoped it would never end.

When they got back to the station after an early morning call, Buck quickly took off his turnout gear and climbed the stairs two at a time to get to the kitchen. He pretended to be absorbed in the fruit in the fridge, trying to pick a snack, but really he was just trying to ignore how good it felt to be next to Eddie. He needed space. He needed to clear his head.

“This place needs more bananas,” he complained, pulling out strawberries. “Like, I’m all about the berries, but if I’m gonna eat nothing but healthy fruit at work, I gotta say nothing beats bananas.”

“I thought you were all about the carbs,” Chim quipped, stealing the container of strawberries after Buck ate three in a row. He pulled out a blender to prepare a smoothie. “Want some?”

“Depends on what else goes in it,” Buck said. When Chim motioned toward a container on the counter, Buck wrinkled his nose. “Nah, I’m good. But thanks.”

Chim had started using chocolate protein powder in his smoothies, and honestly Buck couldn’t stand it. No matter how much stuff you added in, it just tasted like baking cocoa to him. Eddie agreed when Buck said it the first time, but he still drank it when Chimney offered so Buck didn’t know who he was lying to.

“Your loss, dude,” Chimney said and started dumping in the strawberries.

“Yeah. Now I need a new snack.” Buck turned around to keep scavenging and found himself staring at an open, but full, box of premade brownies. His favorite brand too. “Wow.”

Eddie laughed and waited for Buck to take the box. “They aren’t bananas,” he admitted. “But I have a feeling you’re not going to complain.”

“Nope.” He was already stuffing two in his mouth before his butt ever hit a chair. Eddie chuckled some more, sending a pleasant warmth through Buck’s whole body. This was the man he loved more than anything, and the brownies were just one of the million reasons why.

Bobby came up the stairs then and smiled knowingly. “Diaz, you’ve got a visitor,” he said.

Behind him on the last step was Lena Bosko, out of uniform. She was built well, with muscles that would make many men groan with jealousy. Her waist tapered in gently, visible even with the kind of baggy shirt she wore. Her jeans weren’t tight on purpose, but her muscles and her ass still pressed against the fabric. Her hair, which Buck had only ever seen pulled back in buns or ponytails for work, was loose and hanging over one shoulder, which drew attention to its surprising length and also to the bareness of her neck on the other side.

Buck used to be the guy who catalogued people in his mind – find what was most attractive about them and ignore all the imperfections so he could compliment them and get into their beds. He used to be that guy. He still saw people for their assets, of course, but he no longer acted on them. And Lena Bosko had many assets that most men would love to get their hands on.

“Lena,” Eddie said with such surprised enthusiasm that Buck thought he might vomit. “I didn’t expect to see you today. What’s up?”

She smiled at him, something small, like she was trying to hide it from everyone watching. “Hey, Diaz. Just dropping in to see if you were free after your shift. Thought we could do food or something.”

Or something. Buck’s throat ached. His chest burned. But Eddie had plans with Buck to get lunch. He wouldn’t –

“Yeah,” Eddie agreed eagerly. “I’ve got a few hours left in my shift, but I’ll send you a text when I’m done, alright?”

“Sure thing. I’ll tell you where to meet me.” She leaned in, and for a moment Buck thought she was going to kiss Eddie, but then she just smacked his shoulder in a friendly manner and returned the way she’d come.

Buck couldn’t taste the brownies anymore. His mouth tasted like wood and grass, and there was an awful feeling in his lungs – like tiny nails tapping against the inside of his chest. Without a word, he pushed himself slowly back from the table and stood.

Eddie was returning to the table with Chim’s laughter filling the air. “That’s sweet. She could have texted you to ask that, but she came in person.”

“Yeah.” Eddie was smiling at his hands, his face flushed with embarrassment.

Buck made for the stairs, not turning back when he heard someone call his name. It sounded like Hen, but all he knew was the desperate need to be outside and alone. His head jerked, holding back whatever was in his throat and trying to come out.

He kept walking until he was securely behind the firehouse, out of view of everyone but the brick walls and the bushes. Then he coughed and wheezed and tried to throw up whatever was tickling his throat... except only flower petals came out.  
  
They scratched and they burned their way up his throat and out onto the grass for three agonizing minutes and left him drooling and pitiful, kneeling on the ground as his body shook. His eyes stung and watered from the effort of expelling the plants.  
  
A sound as sad as any Buck had ever heard drew his attention and he found Hen watching him. He quickly shook his head, pushing himself up and trying not to wobble.  
  
"Hen. It's not- I'm fine." Even he didn't believe himself.  
  
"Oh, Buckaroo." She stepped quickly to him and pulled him into the tightest embrace. "I can see what it is. I'm so sorry."  
  
"It's fine." His voice squeaked a little and he gripped her tight. But it wasn't fine, was it? Damn it. He squinted his eyes, willing himself not to cry.  
  
"How long?" Hen asked.  
  
"Just.... Three days," he answered honestly. "I didn't want to admit..."  
  
She squeezed him. "Oh, hun. It's Eddie, isn’t it?"  
  
Buck shook his head, trying to deny it, but she only held him tighter. Eddie couldn’t know. Eddie couldn’t – Her grip tightened and forced the words from his throat. "It's not, though. That's the problem, isn't it? God, Hen. I was so God damn sure. I thought-"  
  
"Me too, Buck. Me too." She rubbed his back and it almost made him cry. "What are you gonna do?"  
  
"What? What do you mean?" Buck pulled away from her comfort.  
  
She frowned at him and it was a pitying look. "Buck, you're a firefighter. You know how these cases end."  
  
Oh. OH.  
  
Hanahaki had only three outcomes.  
  
Do nothing and the disease would slowly suffocate him. Not a pleasant way to go. Buck had almost drowned in the tsunami. He didn't like the idea of drowning on dry land.  
  
Get the surgery and have the plant removed. After a short recovery period, the soul mate bond in him would heal and he could continue on with his life, find his actual soul mate. Except he'd forget everything about Eddie. He'd forget Christopher. He'd forget so much about his job, his family, his life. He'd forget Abuela and Pepa. He'd forget.  
  
Lastly, he could find his real soul mate. Get them to kiss him before he couldn't breathe to ask. Except he had no backup soul mate. He'd thought it was Eddie. There was no one else.  
  
So his choices were to die... or to forget.  
  
"Hen," he said in a breath. His eyes stung. "What sounds worse... never getting to see any of you ever again, losing my job and my family and everything I've worked so hard for... or dying while I still know who I am?"  
  
A few months ago, he hadn't understood why anyone would choose not to go through with the surgery. Now that it was his turn, he finally saw the truth. He'd given so much of himself to Eddie, built up his life with the other man in almost every aspect. If he forgot about Eddie, he'd forget everything good in his life. Except Maddie. He'd always have his sister. But all his memories of the firehouse would be broken and disjointed, and the realization would drive him mad.

He’d lose his job all over again because his relationships would be broken, damaged. He wouldn’t know who he was around them anymore, and he wouldn’t know Eddie at all. They’d all know why, and Eddie would grieve, and it would force Eddie to be distant with him until it got to be too much and he’d leave the 118. He’d lose the family he chose just as much as Buck had. This wasn’t Eddie’s fault, and Buck wouldn’t put him in that situation. So Buck would have to leave, and even Buck wouldn’t really know why. It would be torture for everyone.  
  
"Buck." Hen reached out and wiped at the tears now running hot down his face. "Both sound awful. We don't want to lose you. You know we've been waiting for you to come back. Eddie more than the rest of us."  
  
He couldn't help the sour laugh that bubbled out of him as he sank back to his knees. "Well, I guess you can give Bosko my spot permanently. There's... there's not really any outcome here where I get to stay."  
  
Hen had always cried easier than him, so the only real surprise about her crying now was that he started first. She pulled him close again and pressed her face against his hair.  
  
"For what it's worth, I want you to live. But I know... I know it's hard. I know it would hurt you. It would hurt all of us. So whatever you choose, I'll help you through it. Okay? I've got you, Buck."  
  
And he knew she was telling the truth. Unfortunately, it didn't make any of it easier to deal with.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm moved by the response this fic is getting! I'm so glad you're all enjoying it! Thank you endlessly for the comments and for taking the time to read it at all! I love you all!
> 
> New banner made by yours truly!

Bosko got Eddie after work, but Buck got Christopher. He’d offered to pick up Chris as though it were the most natural thing in the world. Buck would get him from Pepa and take him home, and they’d have pizza and do homework and it would be great. That way Eddie could stay out with Lena without worrying about time. And, because it actually was the most natural thing in the world, Eddie happily agreed to the plan.

Pepa didn’t even bat an eye when she saw who showed up to get Christopher. Neither did Christopher. He beamed up at Buck and came in for a hug, and Buck only didn’t break into tears because he’d psyched himself up for this. He’d given himself pep talks the whole drive over.

Be brave for Chris. Smile for Chris. Everything is normal. Everything is fine. Eddie’s not on a date. Buck wasn’t breaking. Buck was indestructible. For Chris, Buck would be anything.

So he thanked Pepa and got Chris into the jeep. Chris talked excitedly the whole drive home and only asked where his dad was when they were walking into the house.

“He’s, uh, out with a friend,” Buck explained, swallowing around the writhing feeling in his throat.

Don’t think about them. Don’t think about Lena Bosko holding his hands, touching his arms, kissing his lips. Don’t think about it.

“Another firefighter?” Chris asked, setting his bag down and moving for the kitchen table so they could finish his homework.

“Yeah, bud. Another firefighter. And I used it as an excuse to hang out with my favorite little man. It’s just you and me for a while,” Buck said with all his usual lightness. “Now bring out that science work. Let’s knock it out.”

Buck ordered pizza, and it arrived just as they finished the science homework. They celebrated by eating pizza before focusing on the math, but then math wasn’t Buck’s strong suit, so they stopped altogether. Eddie could help with the math.

Anyway, Buck wasn’t there to do homework. Buck was there to see Christopher. It might be the last time he got to hang out with him. Depending on how things developed, it might be the last time Buck ever saw him at all.

So they ate more pizza and they built Legos and then they knocked the Legos over and sent the pieces scattering around the living room. Christopher roared with laughter. Then, like the sweet kid he was, he offered to help pick the pieces back up.

Somewhere between dropping pieces back into the box and reaching behind the couch for a new piece, Chris said, “Thanks for coming over, Buck.”

“Of course, Bud. I’d always make time for you,” Buck said.

“I love you.”

Buck was half under the coffee table when he heard the quiet words. His chest tensed with pleasure, but now it also spiked with pain. He heaved and beat his chest and let out a single cough that he caught too late with his hand. Pushing himself back onto his knees, he took deep breaths and swallowed multiple times before he felt good enough to pull his hand away.

“You okay, Buck?” Chris asked, mimicking Buck’s position.

“Y-Yeah,” Buck lied. “I just inhaled spit. I’ll be alright.”

Chris crawled over to him from the couch and cupped his face with one hand. Eddie always did the same thing to Chris when he wasn’t feeling well, so the motion came so naturally to Chris. For a moment, Buck pretended it was Eddie touching his face, checking on him with love and concern, but then he banished the thought. This moment was for Chris, not for the love that was killing him.

“I love you too, Chris,” he said and opened his arms and legs so he could wrap himself fully around the boy with the tightest hug he dared to give. “You don’t even know how much I love you.”

Christopher’s hand pet over Buck’s hair and he hummed. “You sure everything is okay?” he asked, like the gorgeous child he was. “You seem sad.”

Buck shook his head against Christopher’s shoulder. “Everything’s gonna be alright,” he promised. One day he’d be just a memory to this precious child. Chris was going to be so sad when Buck – when he stopped coming around, but it would be okay. Everything – Everything would be okay. Eventually.

“Everything’s gonna be okay,” Chris confirmed. Buck only realized he was crying when Christopher’s small hand brushed through the tear tracks.

“Yeah.” Buck took a deep breath and blinked to stop the tears as he pulled away. “I’m sorry. I’m ruining a good time. You just surprised me. What, uh. What do you wanna do now?”

For a second, Chris seemed to debate but then he asked, “When is Daddy coming home?”

God, every mention of Eddie physically ached. Buck pressed a hand to his chest and rubbed absently. “I, uh, I’m not sure, Buddy. Why?”

Nodding slightly, Chris said, “He could make you feel better. That’s what I want right now.”

Buck had to take a slow breath to calm himself so he could smile. “Aw, Christopher. You’re literally the sweetest kid. But I promise I’m okay now. A hug from you was all I needed.” He glanced around but kept his smile on, ramped up as high as he could make it. “How about we watch a movie, huh?”

Despite not looking convinced, Christopher let Buck change the subject. They watched Coco so Christopher could excitedly tell Buck all the things they said in Spanish. The movie was almost over when the front door opened and Eddie came in. Buck didn’t look at the time. He didn’t want to know how long Eddie had been out with Lena. Instead, he looked down and kissed Chris on the top of his head. He lingered there for a beat longer than necessary and tried to commit the smell of Christopher’s kiwi watermelon shampoo to long-term memory.

Extricating himself from the couch, and Christopher’s cuddling arms, Buck met Eddie by the door. He did his best to smile, and Eddie smiled back. With the way his shoulders dropped, it seemed like he was just relieved to be home.

“How’d it go?” Buck asked, even though he really didn’t want to know.

“Good.” Eddie nodded, but it didn’t sound convincing. That, or Buck was really good at projecting his wishes into Eddie’s tone. “I’m trying to work on my communication. Like, did you know Lena’s allergic to cats? I didn’t until today. I feel kind of bad for not knowing.”

“That’s okay, Eddie. You’re allergic to basic human communication, so it’s only natural.” Buck’s smile was teasing and real for the first time in hours.

Eddie smirked. “Alright, alright. Someone’s feeling sassy tonight.” He pat Buck’s shoulder before squeezing it. It felt good. It felt natural. “But seriously? Thank you for watching Christopher. I think me and Lena needed the time alone together. I’m still learning how to read her, you know?”

Buck nodded, but the pain in his chest was growing. “Y-Yeah. Not everyone’s as easy to read as me.”

That made Eddie laugh, and Chris was momentarily distracted from his movie, but only for a moment. “Honestly? I know you’re joking, but it really has felt a little seamless to understand you. I mean, after you stopped being a jerk, of course.”

“Of course.” Buck rolled his eyes, smile still in place, as if the memory were amusing and embarrassing. It was, actually, but he could barely think about it. The pain in his chest, the tickle in his throat, was growing unbearable. He needed to leave. “Hey, uh. I actually have to go.”

“Already?” Eddie frowned and Buck wanted to kiss the wrinkle between his eyes. “Thought I could tempt you with dinner? I could order something in.”

“Next time,” Buck promised, but he didn’t know that there would be a next time. “I’ll see you at work, alright?”

And because Buck was easy to read, or maybe because Eddie had been in a tactile mood ever since his first date with Lena, Eddie pulled Buck in for a quick but tight hug. His hand rubbed once up and down Buck’s back and then Eddie stepped away.

“Drive safe,” he said. Was he blushing?

Buck couldn’t breathe. So he nodded.

He wanted to cough in the safety of his jeep, but the attack hit him when he grabbed the handle. He smashed his hand against his mouth, catching the flowers before they could fall all over Eddie’s driveway, and wrenched his car door open. He flung himself inside, slamming the door behind him, and then used his shirt to catch every stray, abominable flower that came up his throat.

\--- --- ---

“This couple called 911 because what?” Eddie asked, disbelieving.

“The husband got himself stuck in the ceiling,” Bobby repeated. “Floor of the attic collapsed so he’s halfway fallen. She doesn’t think he’s impaled anywhere, but I need everyone ready just in case.”

“On it, Cap,” Buck assured, and Eddie smiled at him as though he’d told a joke. Buck turned his head away shyly, smile still in place. He loved Eddie’s smile, but the force of it was too strong now that Buck knew the truth. Bosko, not Buckley.

When they arrived at the house, Eddie let the others go ahead but held Buck back with a hand on his shoulder. “Hey, I wanted to apologize,” he said.

“For what?” Buck asked, trailing after the others.

“I realized after you left last night – I had asked you to lunch after work yesterday, but I made plans with Lena and blew you off.” Eddie was frowning as they entered the house. “I’m sorry. I – I don’t know how I forgot, and I should have rescheduled with her.”

But Buck shook his head, careful of his breathing as he climbed the stairs toward the second floor of the house. On the landing, he looked back at Eddie with a tired grin that he hoped Eddie thought was normal. “Don’t worry about it, man. She could be your soul mate, right? Of course I got bumped to second place.”

“Of course?” Eddie sounded affronted, as though he had been the one to be forgotten.

“Buckley! Diaz! I need a hand!” Bobby shouted, kindly not calling them out for talking on a call in front of the victim.

They hurried over, conversation interrupted, and helped assess the situation. As expected, it wasn’t a bad call. They had to cut the ceiling a bit to help the poor man slide out, but there was almost no injury. Chim and Hen would check him out at the ambulance to be sure, but Chim was pretty positive the guy just needed a few normal bandages.

The backboard wasn’t even used. The guy walked himself down the stairs and over to the ambulance for a checkout all on his own. Buck was the last one down the stairs, for which he was glad, because somehow the action stole his breath and he had to step to the side to collect himself.

The whole not-breathing thing? Not recommended.

Hen caught him just before he could join Eddie and the captain in the truck. She leaned in and smiled, as if about to tell him a juicy piece of gossip. He felt her hand on his neck, where she could undoubtedly tell he was having trouble getting air, and then he felt the prick of a needle on his skin. When she pulled away from him, he glanced down anxiously and saw her swiftly hiding a syringe in her coat pocket.

“You may need to consider taking some time off,” she whispered. “I only have so much of this serum in stock, you know.”

“Thanks,” Buck said, barely audible. Already he could feel his airway clearing, his chest loosening. “I’m sorry.”

“Don’t apologize to me,” Hen said. “And when you get up in that truck, you better pretend I teased you about thinking the wife was sexy or something, because this frown you’re working with isn’t gonna hide any secrets.”

She gave a slightly strained smirk, and he plastered on a mirror image of it. With a nod, she left him to join Chim at the ambulance. Buck took a slow breath and shook his head. She was right. He needed to get a handle on this, needed to hide flare ups better or call in sick. But he didn’t want to call in sick. He didn’t want to miss a single moment of time he still had with his team.

When he hopped up into the truck, Eddie bumped his shoulder and nodded toward the window. “What was that about? You looked uncomfortable.”

“Nothing,” Buck lied easily. “She was just teasing me about something. No big deal.”

Eddie gave a quiet grunt of acceptance, but Bobby threw him a look of interest from the captain’s chair. Luckily, the truck started to move and Bobby wasn’t one to pry in public. Neither was Eddie, honestly, which was probably the only reason no one pestered him about it on the way back.

Buck had gotten through undetected. For now.

\--- --- ---

It was a routine Buck didn’t like: Eddie would get a text from Lena or someone would bring her up, then Buck would lose his breath, Hen would do something to draw attention away from him while he scurried off to get control of his lungs, and then they’d share nervous looks behind the team’s back for an hour.

Eddie always found him later to see if he was okay, except he rarely used those words. Often he just asked Buck a normal question, like if he was ready for lunch or if he had plans after his shift, and then watched Buck closely while he answered. Buck knew he was being tested for his wellbeing, and he appreciated it. He loved that Eddie cared enough to keep checking on him, even with his head full of Lena, but he never told Eddie the truth. He just smiled and said he hoped lunch was one of Bobby’s casseroles and that his only plans were to sleep, and he pretended everything was absolutely normal.

Buck dying of his love for Eddie didn’t need to ruin Eddie’s day, that’s all.

After a week, Buck was starting to lose his breath more often, with less triggers, and Hen had taken to stabbing him with her annoying little needles once a shift.

“Bobby’s gonna notice,” Hen said quietly, sitting by Buck on the bumper of the truck while he caught his breath again. “Or Chim. I can’t keep calling dibs on inventory forever. He knows I hate doing inventory.”

Buck had pretended he needed to clean back here to get out of a conversation full of Chim discussing soul mates because he and Maddie matched up. Buck couldn’t think about soul mates anymore. Every errant thought had his lungs seizing. But he couldn’t rain on his sister’s happiness either, so instead he gave his honest, joyful congratulations, and then he ran away.

“I know.” He stared down between his knees, where his hands were nervously rubbing together. “I know I gotta tell Bobby. I just –“

He’d had Hanahaki for a week and a half. His apartment was starting to look like he’d taken up boxing with rose bushes in his spare time. He was tired all the damn time from nerves and the strain of hacking up literal plants. Honestly, it was a miracle his team hadn’t called him out on it yet. Probably his only saving grace was that they all expected him to be a little sluggish still from physical therapy with his leg. If only it were that simple.

Hen’s hand found his back. “I know, Buck. I get it. You don’t have to explain anything to me. But it’s getting worse. I don’t know how much longer the serum will keep helping you.” She slid her hand slowly down his back until it dropped off entirely. He saw her bite her lip without even looking at her. “Have you told Maddie yet?”

Buck closed his eyes. “Not yet.” He sighed. “I will. I’m just afraid she’ll tell Chimney before I’m ready, and then everyone will know.”

“We both know that’s not what you’re afraid of,” Hen scolded gently. “But even if you never tell Bobby or the others, you know you have to tell your sister. We may feel like family, but she literally is your family. And I know things aren’t great with your parents, but maybe –“

That was a line Buck wouldn’t cross. He shook his head sternly. “No. They can find out about it the way they’ve found out about everything else – from Maddie or the news. I don’t need the lecture.”

Hen sighed, but she let it drop. Up in the kitchenette, Bobby called everyone to eat. Slowly, both Hen and Buck rose from the bumper and made their way up the stairs to the delicious food set up on the table.

They ate like any normal day, laughed at all the jokes, and sat in their normal chairs. Hanahaki weighed heavily on every aspect of Buck, but he wasn’t going to let it ruin everything any sooner than he had to. This was his family. He loved everyone at this table, in this fire house. More than his real parents, these people deserved to know the truth, but he couldn’t bring himself to tell them either. Not yet. Not yet.

\--- --- ---

The next day brought a call that required multiple firehouses to take care of it. An office building fire had stranded several people on multiple floors. The 118 rolled up onto the scene, and it took Buck a whole ten seconds with his feet on the ground to notice the other truck parked at the curb read 136. Shit.

Bobby barked out orders, and the distraction helped Buck’s chest not cave in. He saw no sign of the other firehouse team, so that helped too. The 118 ran into the building, business as usual, but the tightness in Buck’s chest made him slower, made him less efficient.

By the time they got the last scared victim out, Buck was ready to choke. He leaned against the side of the truck, gasping and trying not to throw up. He’d thought no one had noticed his issues or him hiding on the far side of the truck, but evidently, he was wrong.

Buck was wheezing when Bobby caught him by the bicep and hauled him away from the scene. He pulled Buck thirty feet down the street, well out of earshot of anyone who mattered, and let him stumble to a stop by a tree planted in the middle of the sidewalk.

“What’s up with you today?” Bobby asked, looking him over as if he’d be able to spot a physical wound.

Buck shook his head. “I’m fine. Just tired.”

“Tired? Buck, you’ve only been on shift for two hours.” Bobby’s eyes were worried in that fatherly way he got. At least he didn’t look disappointed. Buck didn’t think he could stand to let Bobby down, not when it was likely he’d never be allowed to make amends for it.

Hen appeared, jogging over from the scene with a tight expression. Her eyes found Buck, who still hadn’t quite caught his breath around the plant in his chest, and she shook her head. Chest even tighter, Buck’s gaze snapped up over her shoulder, looking for Eddie.

“Buck,” Hen warned, but it was too late.

Eddie was standing by the truck, smile on his face. He was scratching the back of his head in that way he did when he was nervous or shy. Lena Bosko was leaning on the truck beside him, cocky and self-assured. Buck choked on a cough that he held back. He glanced wildly at Hen, then at Bobby with fear, then back at Hen in desperation.

She pushed him, ushering him behind the tree so he was out of sight of the truck. He dropped to his knee as another bought of retching fought to escape him.

“It’s okay, Buck. It’s okay,” Hen assured, hands on his shoulders.

The flowers were more vibrant than ever, spilling over the roots of the tree and down around Buck’s knee. He barely heard Bobby’s gasp over the sound of his own gagging. Hen’s hands massaged his shoulders, trying to help, and while it didn’t actually do anything to stop the disease, it did make him feel more solid.

Then Hen pulled something from her bag. She rolled up Buck’s short sleeve and pressed a needle into his arm. Almost immediately, Buck felt his airway clear, and he was back on his feet before anyone else could notice he’d even stepped out of view. He looked at Hen and her empty syringe. She didn’t look sad when he met her eyes. She looked determined. He loved her for that.

Meeting Bobby’s eyes was somehow worse than the magical plant crawling through his chest. The man’s worried expression had only compounded, and now he looked absolutely distraught.

“Bobby, please,” Buck begged. “Don’t – Don’t say anything. To anyone. I just… I just wanted to stay with you all. Please don’t make me leave.”

The captain swallowed thickly a few times, his eyes drifting slowly to the pile of flowers left behind on the ground. Voice strained, he quietly said, “When we get back… We need to talk. My office. Okay?”

“Y-Yeah.” Buck tried not to look as forlorn as he felt.

\--- --- ---

The office was quiet. Bobby had dropped the blinds to give them some privacy, so the room felt smaller than Buck had ever known it to be. There was a chair behind Bobby’s desk and two chairs in front of it, and Bobby had not chosen the chair behind the desk. He sat beside Buck, their chairs facing each other, his head in his hands. He’d listened silently as Buck had explained the situation, and Buck had waited patiently while his boss, his friend, his pseudo-father took it in.

“And you’re –” Bobby’s words caught in his throat. He let out a sigh and tried again. “You’re sure you won’t go through with the surgery?”

“Bobby.” Buck hated how wrecked he sounded on just that one name, but it got his captain to look at him again. Buck just had to make him see, make him understand. “I wouldn’t – I wouldn’t be _me_ anymore. I would lose _everything_.”

“You wouldn’t lose your life,” Bobby countered. “You could be a firefighter with a different unit. I could arrange the transfer. No one would have to know why.”

Buck blinked rapidly, shaking his head. “You don’t get it. Yes, I would die if I couldn’t be a firefighter, but – This team. This is my family, Bobby. I don’t have a family back home, okay? It’s me and Maddie and this team. I’d be giving up everything that mattered to me. I couldn’t live with myself. You understand? I’d be in some other firehouse, with some other firefighters, and wondering how I could have possibly screwed up so bad that I had to get transferred.”

He huffed a sad laugh and looked down at his hands. A sniffle escaped and he wiped at a tear that had only half-formed. This would be his life now – a sad parade of saying goodbye and explaining why he had to leave them. Because he wasn’t in enough pain already, right?

“I’d realize there were gaps in my memory. I’d know about the surgery. Bobby, I’d blame myself. You know me. I – I can blame myself for anything, and I would blame myself for this. Because how _stupid_ -,” his voice cracked and he glanced at the door, making sure they were alone even though he already knew they were. “How stupid could I have been to fall in love with the wrong person _again_? Only this time I managed to fuck it up so bad that I had to hurt the people I care most about. Bobby – _Please_. Don’t make me go.”

Bobby reached out and took his hands, which were shaking in his lap. He’d only seen Bobby look this broken once before – back when he’d fallen off his sobriety and he’d begged for help, to be saved from the memory of the family he lost.

“Buck. I won’t make you leave. But I can’t – You have to understand something too. Alright?” He gripped Buck’s hands until Buck nodded. “I can’t watch you throw your life away either. Maybe your soul mate isn’t Eddie. But this person?” He pressed his hand over Buck’s chest where the soul mate letters were tattooed into the skin. “This person is still out there, waiting for you. This person still wants you.”

Bobby’s hand felt hot through Buck’s shirt, like an iron rebranding Buck with his soul mate’s mark. He pressed his lips tight together and looked down again, unable to hold Bobby’s gaze. He nodded and sniffled again.

“Buck – Evan, I can’t watch you die,” Bobby admitted softly. “You love us too much to forget us but remember this. We love you too. We love you so much, and we’d rather know you were out there finding your way and your soul mate without us than to know you died heartbroken. We would do anything for you, okay? But we can’t help you here. You have to make the final decision. All we can do is walk beside you.”

Nodding was the only answer Buck could give. He didn’t think he could speak even if he tried. He squeezed Bobby’s hands in return and then Bobby was pulling him forward into a hug. Bobby’s hand was on his neck, his other arm around Buck’s waist, and he kept whispering pointless things about how everything would be okay and how much he was loved and –

Fuck. If only Buck could go back and tell himself not to fall in love with Eddie. Because the plant slowly crushing his lungs and filling his throat was the least painful part right then. It hurt so much worse to know what he was going to lose.

He didn’t want to die, but damn it. He didn’t want to go!

\--- --- ---

Buck worked the rest of his shift. He had two pairs of eyes watching him the whole time. Three, really, but Eddie didn’t know just how wrong things were. Buck was working extra hard to keep him from finding out. He kept joking like everything was normal, and only Hen and Bobby recognized the sadness in Buck’s eyes. He joked back with Eddie, but part of him never stopped aching, because he was going to hurt Eddie too. He was going to take Eddie’s best friend away.

“Shit.” Buck gasped, leaning back against the ladder truck at three in the morning. He pulled his helmet off, desperate for oxygen.

The building was on fire. Buck needed to be there, helping man the hoses. They needed his help, but he. couldn’t. breathe. All it took was the sight of the other trucks showing up as backup. The bright white numbers on the side – the 136 again. There was a noose tightening on the inside of his throat.

He’d only been gasping for a minute, but it felt like a lifetime had passed when Bobby came around the side of the truck in search of him. Buck gasped and still got no relief. “Bobby.”

“Hang on, Buck,” the captain said quietly. He tugged Buck’s collar down so he could get some skin with a vein. And he stuck Buck with the same medicine Hen had given him before.

Buck’s gasps quickly became deep breaths as the medication worked to soothe the broken soul bond inside him, and then Buck slammed his head back against the truck. Twice in one day. It was only going to get worse. Fuck.

“Hen’s got another one if you end up needing it.” Bobby glanced back toward the fire where hoses were already starting to gush. “The 136 is here. Think you can handle it?”

Exhausted from suffocation, Buck groaned but nodded. “Yeah. Yeah, I’m good.”

“You sure?”

“Bobby, I said I’m good.” Maybe he said it too forcefully, but Bobby gave him a tense nod and let him get back to work, and that’s what Buck wanted. He wanted to work. He wanted to be with his family.

He just couldn’t.

No one else noticed Buck couldn’t breathe right, but Bobby made him stay behind on the next call anyway. He lied easily about needing Buck to prepare breakfast for everyone, but Buck still hated it. Eddie clapped him on the shoulder, his hand lingering just a moment too long, and gave him a pitying look, because he knew how much Buck wanted to be in the field, and then he was up on the trucks with the others.

“We’ll miss you out there,” he called back before the door shut between them.

Buck threw up in the bathroom before the taillights finished disappearing. The buds almost didn’t flush away.

He didn’t head for the kitchen. He walked slowly around the empty garage, eyes up in the rafters, eyes down on the oil-stained concrete, eyes on everything he was going to miss. He walked to the turnout lockers, where the only set of equipment left hanging was his own.

Buckley.

He ran his fingers over the nameplate and knew that, if it hadn’t been for this disease, his name would have been there forever. He knew, even when he’d seen the name Bosko taped over his own, that this was still his spot, even if he’d had trouble believing it at the time. This was his locker.

He stepped to the side, touched the names of all his friends, his family. He let his fingertips trace over each letter in ‘Diaz’. He still loved Eddie. He wished he didn’t. He wished knowing they weren’t soul mates made it easier to let him go, made forgetting his feelings simpler. Somewhere out there was his real soul mate, and he wished he didn’t have to forget everything to go find them. But he also knew that unless he forgot, he’d never want to go looking for some other soul mate.

Eddie was his soul mate in his heart. Until Eddie was out, Buck would never move on to someone new.

Getting the surgery was always the right thing to do for everyone. He’d known that long before he ever got sick, but it was hard to hear it once he was the one faced with the decision. It was hard to tell himself that he’d been wrong, and that it was time to move on. It took him months to get over Abby, and she still sometimes haunted his memories. And he hadn’t thought she was his soul mate.

He had to get over Eddie in two weeks. It wasn’t fair.

Buck gripped the edge of Eddie’s turnout locker until his knuckles turned white. He wanted to be pissed at Lena Bosko for her initials – initials that weren’t Buck’s. He wanted to hate her. But he didn’t. It wasn’t her fault. None of this was her fault. And Buck wanted to be pissed at Eddie, wanted to say the situation was his fault. If Eddie wasn’t so nice, wasn’t so beautiful, wasn’t the best partner Buck had ever had, didn’t have the best kid, didn’t make Buck feel like he had a family outside of the 118, didn’t know Buck as well as Buck knew himself – if he was just less perfect, then Buck could have blamed him. But Eddie _was_ all those things, made Buck _feel_ all those things.

He coughed harshly and shoved back from the locker.

The only person he could blame was himself. He was good at that. Buck always messed everything up. He should have known – No. He could blame himself later. When he was home alone, with nothing else to distract him, then he could wallow and talk himself in circles about what-ifs and placing blame.

For now, he left the ground floor and walked upstairs. He let his hand drag on the railing all the way up. He tapped the ceiling beams that were too low for him to walk under while standing up straight. He shifted every chair and table upstairs until they looked uniform, memorizing the look of the room from every angle.

Would he forget this moment too? Would he forget all these details he was taking one last look at? His mind was full of his condition, which meant his mind was full of Eddie. Just how much would he remember?

Buck took the time to really appreciate the firehouse and all its amenities. He touched all the surfaces. He closed his eyes and remembered all his favorite memories, knowing he’d soon lose them. He breathed it all in.

When the trucks rolled back into the station just before seven in the morning, there were little breakfast sandwiches ready for everyone to eat after a little reheating in the microwave, and Buck was gone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter, we get some Eddie POV on this mess.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Time to see what Eddie's been up to.

Eddie remembered a lot of things about Buck. He remembered the way he’d felt antsy when Buck had automatically rejected him on his first day. He remembered the tension leaving his shoulders when Buck complimented him even though he didn’t want to. Eddie remembered the easy smile Buck wore when he met Christopher for the first time, all warmth and joy, like seeing Christopher was exactly what he’d needed after a long day of work. He remembered taking Chris to see Santa with Buck by his side and being unable to really enjoy the evening until he confessed about his not-so-secret wife, and he remembered how effortlessly Buck had accepted the news and supported him.

And Eddie remembered the way Buck had looked, pinned by a firetruck and dying in the street, while his team could do nothing to help him. He remembered wanting to throw up but bottling his feelings tightly so he could have a clear head when he was finally able to get to Buck’s side and treat him. Years in the army had taught him how to put his personal feelings aside during a crisis, and Eddie was pretty good at it. Still didn’t make the nightmares go away, though.

When the tsunami hit, Eddie had been so glad that Buck had decided to take Christopher to the movies. His boys were safe, and Eddie could focus on his job. He remembered feeling so much relief when Buck’s photos came through just after the wave hit. At the end of the day, he was just glad they were both alive.

Then there was Lena Bosko.

Eddie hadn't thought much about her during the tsunami outside of her needing medical care and that she was a dedicated firefighter. It was only after he got home, after he made sure Christopher was okay and they weren't about to have matching breakdowns, that he really thought about her.

During the chaos, he'd imagined telling Buck about her after his shift. Like, "hey, I met this crazy firefighter from the 136. Man, she's as nuts as you, trying to go search for her captain with a busted rib."

But Buck was staying overnight at the triage center for a blood transfusion and had no phone. And Lena was there too, with her captain.

Eddie sighed, exhausted, and pulled his shirt off for a shower. He stared at his reflection, dirty and sweaty, and wondered why he'd chosen such a dangerous profession after the army. Had he craved the adrenaline that much? Or the family unit of a good team? Like Buck trying to give Eddie a nickname that never stuck or Chim ribbing Buck about his love life or Bobby smiling at their antics while he cooked everyone a meal. Like family dinners, Buck secretly setting up Christmas for everyone, and finding someone who seemed to like his kid as much as he did. Eddie smiled to himself.

Yeah. That was it.

As he stepped into the shower, Eddie wondered if Buck was feeling well enough to shower too or if he was still dirty, wearing his bloodied clothes. He remembered how confused he’d been when he’d seen Buck at the clinic – how concerned he was at the state of him. Now that Christopher was safe, Eddie shuddered to imagine what Buck had been through and wished he’d known earlier. He would have patched Buck up and helped him search. They could have been together as a team.

His mind wandered to Bosko. He wondered how her team was doing, and if they should offer to house some of the 136 while their firehouse was closed for repairs. He wouldn’t mind seeing Bosko again. They'd probably be good friends.

Out of the shower, he wiped the fog from his mirror and found his eyes drawn to the faint lines on his chest. His soul mate mark, like a thin scar over his heart.

EB.

He frowned. Bosko was new to him and she seemed to like him. She called herself Lena, but he’d seen her hospital paperwork. Her first name was Elena. Elena Bosko. EB.

A thrill of excitement coursed through him. Was it possible? He hadn't even given his mark much thought for nine years, not since Shannon got pregnant. Not since Christopher. Even after Shannon left him, Eddie had ignored his mark. He’d still been married. He wanted to stay faithful even then, even though Shannon’s name didn’t match his skin. Really, he wasn't entirely sure why he was considering the mark now.

Except... Well, obviously he had a soul mate out there. Maybe it really was time to put effort into finding them.  
\--- --- ---  
  
Buck's efforts during the tsunami impressed Bobby, and with his good word, Buck was easily reinstated to the 118. Eddie hadn't felt so excited to go to work in months. Buck was back! The station was finally going to feel right again! The hole left gaping by Buck’s absence would no longer draw Eddie’s attention. Also, Lena had agreed to meet for drinks! It was a great day!

He let his hug linger when he embraced Buck, and he told himself it was all to help Buck feel more stable. But if he was being honest, he also needed that little bit of extra contact. Eddie loved being touched, but only by people he loved. He had a lot of days that had missed their quota of Buck touches, and he meant to rectify the matter immediately. He liked being tactile with Buck. He’d missed their touches.

Not that he would admit that out loud.

“I'm going out with Lena tonight." The admission came out easily in the locker room. He’d rarely felt the need to lie to Buck. In fact, Buck was usually the person he told things to first, after family of course. But after the words left his mouth, Eddie had the oddest sense that he shouldn’t have said them.

"Oh, I heard. Soul mate, huh?" Buck cleared his throat as he changed into his uniform. His back was to Eddie, and Eddie tried to pretend he wasn’t admiring how well-defined Buck’s traps, rhomboids, and lats muscles were. Wow, he sounded like a nerd when he thought like that. He tore his eyes away.

"I dunno." Eddie closed his locker and leaned back on it so he could look out at the trucks. “Her initials match, and she’s an amazing firefighter. I’m just testing the ground.” He glanced back at Buck. “Mind if I ask about your initials?”

“What?” Buck, now dressed, pressed a hand over his chest, defensive. He didn’t sound offended, but he did sound nervous. Strange.

“Sorry.” Eddie shook his head. “Personal, I know. I don’t want to see or anything. I guess I’m just trying to figure out if you’ve met yours and how to know if I’ve got the right person.”

Buck wasn’t in a relationship with anyone, and Eddie didn’t want to think about Buck losing his soul mate somehow, but he desperately wanted advice from his best friend. Even if the idea of Buck’s soul mate was giving him a weird queasy feeling. A small voice in the back of his thoughts whispered that he wanted Buck to say he’d never met his soul mate, that he was still looking, that he was still available. Eddie shook his head slightly to shake off the thought. He was trying to find his own soul mate, and he needed all the help he could get. He could focus on weird gut feelings and intrusive thoughts later.

Buck slowly shook his head and cleared his throat. “No. No, I haven’t… um… met mine,” he said, voice rough.

Something was wrong. Wrong with Buck’s voice, with his movements, with his words. And there was something wrong with how Eddie’s body reacted to the news – both sad and excited. But before Eddie could ask if Buck was alright, the alarm sounded, and they were off on a call.

\--- --- ---

  
He went out with Lena. She was smart, but kind of in a Buck way. She wasn't a college woman, and she couldn't quote classic literature, but she knew her way around a firetruck, or any truck, and she liked to blow off steam with kickboxing and mixed martial arts.

Her eyes were hazel and beautiful. Eddie had to actively concentrate on them because he kept imagining they were blue. Was it because Shannon had blue eyes? He didn't want to incorrectly compliment Lena just because he couldn't get this basic detail down.

She asked about his time off, what he did for fun, and so he talked about Christopher. Whether she was his soul mate or just a date, she had to know about his son. He talked about going to the aquarium and movie marathons, and he told her about trying to learn to cook so he could repay Buck for all the breakfasts. Buck wasn’t a master like Bobby, but he’d gotten pretty darn good at breakfast from all his lessons. Omelets and pancakes and bacon and French toast – it was always a good time, no matter what he chose to make.

Lena was a good listener. Great, actually. She let Eddie ramble so much that it took him two dates to realize she was allergic to cats. That made some sense, though, because mostly they discussed work, not personal lives.

“How are you liking your new station house?” Eddie asked on the third date. “Rumor has it, it’s got all the bells and whistles.”

Lena shrugged. “The station is really nice. Can’t complain about anything. It’s just the new captain I’m not sold on.”

Right. Her old captain had lost his arm in the tsunami. He was still seeing the doctor weekly for check-ups. He’d never be a firefighter again, so the 136 had a new captain. Eddie frowned, trying his best to exude sympathy.

“Yeah, a new captain sucks. When they put Bobby on leave, the firehouse just wasn’t the same. The new captain did everything different, and the morale at work took a dive. When he came back, we were all so relieved that I think we had an actual hug circle after lunch.” Eddie smiled at the memory.

Lena smiled too, that small one she always used, like she had a wall up between Eddie and her actual emotions. “Bet it was nice finally having the team back together.”

“Kind of.” Eddie’s smile died. “Buck was in the hospital from the truck explosion the same day so… Everything still felt off, you know? Like there was this giant hole in the station and no way to fill it.” He blinked, his eyes refocusing from the memory, and he saw the curious look she was giving him. He felt his stomach squirm under her scrutiny, like he’d admitted to something he shouldn’t have. He cleared his throat. “Buck’s like the station mascot, you know? Nothing’s quite right without the house dog.”

“Sure, Diaz,” she said, though it didn’t sound like she was agreeing. Eddie didn’t blame her. He sounded as sincere as a kid caught stealing cookies.

They turned their attentions to their lunches, half eaten and forgotten for the conversation. Eddie took a bite of his sandwich, but he didn’t feel so hungry anymore.

His mind was on the day Buck came back to work. The blonde had walked into the station on his own two feet, not a limp or a wobble in sight, and put on his uniform for the first time in months. Buck had looked so right, and Eddie had been so proud of him. He still remembered the swell of his heart in his chest when he saw Buck fasten that last button. Buck was home.

Somehow, though, Buck hadn’t seemed nearly as excited as Eddie had expected him to be. Normally Eddie could read Buck better than most people, but he’d been so caught up in his own euphoria of having Buck back and a date planned with Lena that he’d entirely forgotten to ask Buck if something was wrong. Remembering it now, Eddie felt a little sick. He’d forgotten to check in with his best friend, and somehow that strange cloud was still hanging over Buck. And the other night, Buck had left work early without even a text of explanation. Something was definitely up. Was it too late for Eddie to ask about it?

“My station doesn’t have a dog,” Lena said eventually, breaking into Eddie’s thoughts. Her food was gone, while Eddie had barely made any progress. She shifted her hair over her shoulder to get it out of the way. “We did when I first started, but he was old and really just there for the photos. When he died, the city decided not to replace him. I admit I was sad when he died. I faced a lot of criticism when I first started as a firefighter, because of my gender, my age, my hair, whatever. That dog was my first friend, I guess. He didn’t care about any of that. Just liked that I fed him and gave him plenty of scratches.”

Eddie chuckled in response, but it wasn’t quite right. This was their third date, and Eddie still felt like he was testing out foreign waters. He’d always heard that things worked different with soul mates. You were supposed to get those dumbass butterflies in your stomach, feel a little off kilter. Lena just felt… friendly. Eddie hadn’t felt anything like nervous butterflies recently, except for his first day at the 118. He'd been so nervous to meet the new team and messing up that he’d had jitters under his skin all day. Buck’s initial animosity didn’t help, of course, but by the end of the shift Eddie felt comfortable with the team, and Buck… He could still remember, clear as the day it happened, that shy little smile Buck had given him after the grenade incident. Buck’s approval was all Eddie had needed to feel like he was finally and truly welcome at the station, and the rest was history.

Either Eddie was doing this wrong or Lena wasn’t his soul mate. Her letters matched. They were both firefighters, so they had common interests. Eddie was putting in the effort – three dates in a week, plus texting. Maybe he had to face the facts. He had the wrong person.

“Hey, Lena. Can I ask you a question?” He set down the last of his meal, one bite of sandwich left, and made sure he had her full approval before he continued. “Why don’t you go by Elena?”

Her eyebrows rose. “Wow. Not many people even know that’s my name. I’m impressed.” She took a sip of her drink and shrugged. “My friends in high school started calling me Lena because there were two Elena’s in the group, and now the only people who use my full name are my parents. When I hear it, I honestly just hear them and their disappointment in my chosen career, so I always introduce myself as Lena. It’s not a big deal.” Now her eyebrows drew low and she regarded him suspiciously. “Why?”

There was one sure way to know if he was aiming for the right person. If their letters matched, then it was worth another date, another try. It was worth it to remember that Lena’s eyes were hazel, not blue.

He unbuttoned the top of his shirt so he could pull the fabric aside and show off the initials on his chest. EB.

Lena’s eyes squinted, then widened. She leaned back in her chair, clearly thrown off her game. “Hang on, Diaz. I’m flattered, but I’m not your soul mate.”

“Oh?” Eddie frowned, but he couldn’t say he felt disappointed. “But –“

“But nothing.” Lena interrupted, but her tone wasn’t rude. She shook her head. “Look. You’re a really nice guy and a killer firefighter, and I do like you, but your initials aren’t on my chest. Okay?” She tugged her shirt down almost to her bra.

There, above her breast, was her mark. FS. Not an E or a D by any stretch of the imagination. For some reason, Eddie felt relief. Was that normal? He’d been trying to make this work, but he was glad for proof that it wouldn’t. He’d pushed himself into this for the sake of his soul mate, but Lena wasn’t his.

“Oh,” he said in a breath. Suddenly all he wanted was to invite Buck over for a beer so he could talk about this. About how he’d messed this up. About everything.

Lena smirked. “See? You’re not even actually surprised.” She released her shirt. “Anyway, you already know your soul mate, right?” She sipped at her drink again, eyebrows raised knowingly.

Eddie frowned. “I do?” He’d been ignoring his mark for years. He had no idea who his soul mate could be now that Lena was out of the running.

“I mean, obviously you two haven’t noticed, since you thought it might be me, but yeah? That tall guy with the birthmark on his face. He’s an EB, right?”

“No. He’s –” Eddie stopped.

Right. Buck _was_ an EB. _Evan_. How had Eddie skipped right over that when his mind had bothered to notice his soul mark again? Because Buck was Buck. He wasn’t Evan. He was Buck. And humans were stupid and, Jesus, he’d actually blanked on his best friend’s first name!

Evan Buckley. EB.

Hindsight is twenty-twenty, and Eddie Diaz was a fool. If his mind kept focusing on Lena since the tsunami, it was only in an attempt to not think about Buck’s condition. In all his ranting to Lena on their “dates”, how often had he been talking about something Buck related? He’d brought Buck up as often as he’d brought up Christopher! Ever since he’d joined the 118, hadn’t he thought about how right the station felt, how like a family? And he knew it was because of everyone there, but hadn’t he only felt truly a part of the team after Buck had smiled at him? Even when they’d barely known each other, he'd let Buck drive him home, had let Buck come with him to check on a family emergency at a hospital, had told Buck all about his concerns for Christopher.

Buck fit so easily, so perfectly into his life. All the jittery nerves he’d been expecting to feel with Lena, he’d felt them before when meeting Buck. The feeling of being off-kilter with the world – he’d felt that up until Buck accepted him. He felt it even now, every time Buck got hurt or was unhappy. ¡Ah! Era un idiota!

EB. Evan Buckley!

“Sorry, Lena. I gotta go,” he said, hastily pulling out his wallet for cash. Shit. He didn’t have any cash.

Lena slapped her credit card on the table. “Forget about it, Diaz. I can cover you this time.” She motioned to the side with her head. “Now get out of here.”

Soul mate or not, Eddie made a mental note to stay friends with Lena Bosko. If he weren’t in a hurry, he may have stopped to kiss her in thanks. As it was, he just nodded stiffly, muttered a quick “Thanks,” and hurried from the café.

\--- --- ---

Now that the thought was in his head, Eddie knew it was true. He felt electrified, like his blood was excited he’d finally pulled his head out of the sand and noticed the right way to go. His heart beat rapidly in his chest as he drove toward the station.

He tried to call Buck, but it went to voicemail. He tried three times. He even tried to text while he was stopped at a red light. Buck wasn’t even seeing the messages. But why? Buck always answered the phone. Always. Even on calls. The last time he hadn’t answered was during the tsunami.

Buck had a shift. Eddie could talk to him in just a few minutes and clear it all up. Did Buck’s chest have an ED tattooed on it? He shook his head. There was no other possibility. Eddie trusted Buck, cared about Buck, and loved Buck more than some of his own family members. There was no way Buck’s chest didn’t match his.

How could Eddie bring it up? Straight-forward statements tended to work best with Buck. Eddie would have to broach the topic in a way that Buck couldn’t twist it around in his mind and misinterpret it. Buck had a habit of making himself feel guilty for things he had no control over. Eddie had to confront him so there was no mistake. He needed Buck in his life to feel whole. They were soul mates.

How had Eddie glazed over this possibility for so long? It was so obvious!

Maybe Buck already knew. As Eddie pulled into the parking lot, he remembered the tense, sad look in Buck’s eyes when he’d said, “No. I’ve never met mine.” If Buck felt the way Eddie felt, Eddie’s interest in Lena had probably hurt him. If he was smarter than Eddie – and he was – then Buck had probably already figured it out, and Eddie’s questions would have confused him.

Eddie had to set the record straight. He didn’t want anyone else if it meant losing Buck. He… He loved Buck.

When he walked into the station, he scanned the floor and the balcony. His eyes skimmed the locker room and the entrance to the showers. He couldn’t see Buck, but perhaps a truck was hiding him or he was in the bathroom. His heart pounded heavy in his chest and he felt a little lightheaded, like he’d run from the café to here instead of driven. Had he seen the jeep outside? He couldn’t remember.

“Eddie?” It was Hen, exiting the stock room and glancing over Eddie’s body like she expected to see a wound. “What are you doing here? I thought today was your day off.”

“I needed to see Buck,” Eddie said, a little breathless. He ran a hand over his hair and took a deep breath. “I was having lunch with Lena and she said – she made me realize –“

Hen placed a hand on his shoulder, and he sagged under her touch. “Is everything alright?” she asked, motherly in a way that he was infinitely grateful for. “You’re flushed. Did things not work out with Lena?”

“No. I mean, everything is fine with Lena,” Eddie said, shaking his head. He swallowed thickly and wondered why on Earth he was so damn anxious. He glanced around again but still didn’t see Buck. Had he not come to work after his mysterious disappearing act? “Is Buck not here?”

Hen’s lips pressed together, and her forehead knit, and why was she looking at him like that? “No,” she said softly. “Buck’s not here.” She pulled her hand away and took a deep breath. “Why do you need to see him?”

Buck wasn’t here. He wasn’t here. Why wasn’t he here?

Eddie reached up to his collar, up where he’d never redone his buttons, and tugged his shirt down. Hen’s forehead creased in disgruntled confusion before she saw what he was showing her. Then her eyebrows almost hit her hairline.

“I –,” Eddie began before his throat sealed up. He swallowed nervously. “Hen, her name is Elena, but I think –“

“Follow me.”

Hen shoved past him and walked briskly toward the locker room. Eddie had to jog to catch up. She sounded almost scared, maybe a little angry, and it only made Eddie’s anxiety rise. In the locker room, Hen quickly ripped open her locker and dug in her bag. After a short moment, she produced a simple white envelope and held it up between them.

“I wasn’t supposed to give this to you yet, but you need to know what’s going on.” Hen turned the envelope over, revealing Eddie’s name on the other side.

Slowly, Eddie reached out and took the envelope. What was happening that made Hen so worried? What was so wrong that Buck was missing shifts? He pulled the letter from its confines and turned it over in his hands. He unfolded it and saw a handwritten letter, but before he could read more than his own name at the top, Hen spoke up. Her voice was thick, and her words stopped any excitement that remained in Eddie’s blood.

“He’s at the hospital.”

“Why?” Eddie glanced down at the letter, but then quickly looked back up at Hen. She could explain it faster.

“He’s got hanahaki.” Her eyes were wet but she wasn’t crying yet. “Stage three. I couldn’t help him hide it anymore. It was too advanced. He’s…”

“Buck’s… dying?” Eddie asked, his voice weak and small. Hanahaki? But how-? Who-?

He had a sudden memory of coming home from his first date with Lena. He’d put Chris to bed and started cleaning up the house. Under the coffee table had been a single blue flower. Odd, but nothing he’d been worried about at the time. Had that been-?

Hen shook her head. “Bobby found out and convinced him to get the surgery.” Thank God. He almost said as much out loud, but Hen was still talking. “It’s scheduled for this evening. That’s why he’s not here. That’s why… That’s why he’s not coming back.”

“Not… coming back?” Eddie asked, brow knitting. “Why the hell wouldn’t he come back?”

She shook her head again. “Eddie, you need to not be here right now, okay? You need to call Maddie and go to the hospital.”

He glanced down at the letter and took a step backwards. Not come back? Buck had to come back. Always. Why wouldn’t he come back?

Hen shoved him toward the door none-too-gently and scoffed. “You think you’ve been an idiot so far? You’ll be kicking yourself if you don’t get your ass over there, like, yesterday.”

“Okay.” He held one hand up in surrender and ducked from the room. “I’m gone.”

And he was. He rushed back to his truck, almost crushing the letter in his hand in his haste. He didn’t stop to read it before he pulled out of the parking lot. Hen’s emotional reveal had him scared, almost as scared as he’d been seeing Buck’s firetruck explode, almost as scared as finding Buck at the clinic after the tsunami and finding out his son was missing. He didn’t know what was going on, but Hen was right. He needed to be at the hospital.

He cursed when he hit the first red light, and he smacked the wheel in frustration. In the passenger seat, the letter shifted in the air from the AC and drew Eddie’s attention. Pursing his lips against his anxiety and frustration, Eddie picked it up and looked at the opening again.

_“Dear Eddie,_

_First, I want you to know that none of this is your fault. If you start to feel sad or guilty, read that first line over and over until it sticks in your stupid head. This was all my fault and no one else's.”_

The car behind him honked, and Eddie snapped his eyes back to the road. The light was green. Still holding the letter, he drove on toward the hospital. Typical Buck, blaming himself for a supernatural disease. What the hell was he thinking?

At the next red light, Eddie already had the letter in hand and quickly tried to read it.

_“I love you.”_

Eddie’s heart skipped a beat, and he lost his breath. Those three words, even written, sucked the air from his lungs. He and Buck had to be soul mates. He’d never reacted like this with Shannon. Not even once. Not even close.

_“I can't stop. See, I thought we were soul mates. Now I know we're not, and it’s the worst feeling I've ever known, even worse than the lack of love I felt from my parents, worse than being left behind by Abby. Even if I didn't have hanahaki, I think it would still feel like I was being suffocated.”_

Shit. Shit shit shit. Buck was smarter than Eddie. He’d realized the truth about their connection, but Buck was also stupid. He was a self-sacrificing idiot. Why hadn’t he said anything?

“Shit. Buck, what the fuck?” Eddie cursed and had to force his hands not to crush the fragile paper.

_“Hen should have handed this to you after Maddie texted her that it's all over. I didn't want you to feel guilty or anything, but I wanted you to know just how much I'm going to miss you. I'll miss Chris–,”_

The line of cars ahead of him started moving and Eddie tried to follow them, but everything was blurry. Damn it. He rubbed at his watering eyes and pulled off the road into a gas station. Damn it all. It was like reading Shannon’s letter all over again.

It was a goodbye letter.

_“I didn't want you to feel guilty or anything, but I wanted you to know just how much I'm going to miss you. I’ll miss Christopher and all our time together. I can't imagine that the surgery will make me completely forget that kind of loss. I'm just hoping I can move beyond the hole I'm making in my own life when I won't even know what’s missing._

_I love you both so much. I can't stand it. Please tell Christopher I'm sorry. Tell him we'll all be okay someday. Everything is going to be alright. Please tell Chris how much I love him._

_I love you Eddie, and I hope that you remember me with a smile. Remember me without guilt or anger, if that's even possible. I don't want to drag you down. That's why I did this - so we can both move on and be happy someday._

_Good luck with Bosko._

_Love,_

_Buck”_

Tears leaked from Eddie’s eyes and rolled down his cheeks. He was crying like Buck had already had the surgery, but it wasn’t too late… right? Dios. He needed to get it together and stop Buck before it was too late. They were soul mates. He could save Buck. Well, couldn’t he? That’s how it worked, right? He just had to stop crying and get back on the road. He needed to pull himself together. He had to treat this like a war zone and box everything up for the time being. He could lose it later, but right now he had a mission.

“Damn it,” Eddie cursed again and grabbed for his phone. Buck’s phone went straight to voicemail again. Maddie didn't pick up either. Frustrated and panicked, Eddie ran the next red light and called the only person who might be able to help, who knew what was going on for sure - Hen - and just hoped she knew where Buck was in the hospital. Eddie didn't have time to get lost.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to everyone who read this through - even if you didn't comment. I love all the comments and kudos and the silent fans. You all are the reason writers keep writing. You are the currency that pays fanfic authors. Thank you. I even appreciate the ones who put up with it when it isn't their cup of tea just because they don't like not finishing things and then leave quietly without a word. You're troopers. I respect you. -salute-
> 
> Here's the ending, everyone! I promise it's a happy ending in return for all your tears <3

The hospital waiting room was playing superhero movies. The sound was too low for Buck to hear even when he was sitting right in front of it. He’d long since moved into a corner chair, hiding himself in the crevice created by the wall and a pillar. His head was leaning against the cold pillar, and he closed his eyes against the movie.

He couldn’t breathe.

It was more than the Hanahaki, more than the petals blocking his throat or the vines squeezing his lungs. He was scared, and the fear made it even harder to get a full breath. He’d been in hospitals plenty of times growing up – from breaking his arm or leg, or from visiting Maddie at work, or from his job as a firefighter – but this was so much worse. He hated the smell and the sound and the feeling of the chairs. He hated all of it. He wanted to vomit, but all that had come up the last time he’d tried was petals. And that only made him feel worse.

He'd called Maddie the night before, in the middle of his drive home from work. He couldn’t wait until he was home. He didn’t know if he’d still have the nerve to tell her.

She’d cried on the phone. She was still crying when she appeared on his doorstep at three in the morning. She hadn’t ever really stopped crying – just sometimes the tears ran down her face and sometimes they were only in her eyes, in her voice, in the wobble of her smile.

She was so supportive. She’d always been so supportive of him, even when she couldn’t give him what he wanted in life or do anything for him. There was hugging in his doorway at three am, and back rubs while she called the hospital to make the appointment. Buck had tried, but his hands wouldn’t stop shaking, and Maddie knew all the lingo and work arounds of the hospital system.

“No, that’s too far away. He’ll be dead by then. It needs to be tonight. I know you’ve got at least three positions for this operation open, just in case, and you’re going to get him in one of them. Am I clear?”

Buck hadn’t even been able to watch her talk. He’d just covered his mouth and tried not to sob while she absently rubbed his back.

Now he was here, hiding in a corner of the waiting room, sick to his stomach and wishing more than anything that he could call Eddie. Just one more time. Even if all he got was voicemail. Just to hear his voice.

_“We’ll miss you out there.”_

He was going to cry again. Damn it.

“Hey.”

He opened his eyes and looked up at his sister. She slipped into the seat beside him, a cup of water in her hands for him. He took it numbly, out of reflex.

“Sorry I couldn’t get you anything else. Hospital policy for the surgery and all. But you need to drink some water. You look like you’re going to pass out. Can you breathe okay? I think they can still give you something to relieve the pressure. I can go ask –”

She was ranting. Buck grabbed her hand with his free one and squeezed to cut her off.

“No, I –… I’m good.” He tried to smile at her. His voice was thick and rough from the magical plant clawing its way up his throat, and he had to take several pauses for breath. “Sorry, Mads. I just can’t… stop thinking about everything.” He bumped their foreheads together. “I’m sorry I’m making…. you worry so much. I just… I don’t think I could’ve done this… without you.”

“And you never would have had to.” She enclosed his hand with both of hers. “We’re in this together, remember? Through anything. You and me. I’ll always be there for you. I just hate seeing you like this. I thought – I guess I was so happy to see you finally so happy that this is hitting me pretty hard.” She smiled her wobbly smile and let out a humorless laugh. “I mean, nothing compared to how it’s hitting you, obviously, but… I’m sorry it didn’t work out.”

Again, Buck added for her. He’d lost his place _again_. Another stop on the road for Evan Buckley, the guy who didn’t belong anywhere.

“I’ll be fine,” he said, instead of voicing his thoughts. He squeezed her hand again. “Nothing I can’t handle.”

Just then, they both looked up at the clock as if it had made a sound. The surgery was at six. It would take over an hour to prep him. They’d come to get him soon and officially admit him. There’d be no turning back once he went through those doors. There was no turning back now, anyway.

He took a sip of the water, but then just rested the cup on his knee. The siblings sat in silence, leaning on each other and lost in their thoughts.

There was nothing more to say.

It was a waiting game now.

Less than two hours and he’d be under the knife. By tomorrow, he’d wake up with fuzzy memories of the last few years. He’d be a different person. He wouldn’t remember –

_“You’ll be okay, kid.”_

A tickle in his throat had Buck struggling to cough. He failed to get a good breath, but that didn’t stop his body from convulsing as he tried to hack up the obstruction. Maddie expertly had the water out of his hands and onto an empty chair before he could drop it, then she was sliding a small trash can in front of him and urging him to let it out.

Tears pricked Buck’s eyes as pain scratched up his throat. It felt like he was hurling fire, but all that came up past his lips were flowers and torn petals. They came up with every failed attempt to catch his breath, kept coming until the trash can was nearly full.

When they finally subsided, Buck was shaking and wheezing. The rest of the waiting patients were staring at him with looks of disgust or horror or pity, or some twisted form of all three. He wanted to be invisible. He wanted to shout at them to quit looking at him, but his throat was raw and sore, and his body was tired.

“Oh my god.”

Buck’s heart felt like it honest-to-God stopped beating. No way was this real. He looked up and told himself he was hallucinating. But no, he’d never be able to hallucinate so vividly. Eddie was really standing there, looking at Buck with pain on his face, as though he’d been freshly shot. He looked ruffled, like he’d run there and hadn’t stopped to sort himself out.

“Oh my god,” Maddie echoed. She set the trash can down and stood up, placing herself between Buck and Eddie.

Good. He didn’t want Eddie seeing him like this. Eddie wasn’t supposed to be here. He was supposed to remember Buck with a smile on his face and still in his uniform, not Buck pale and barfing in a hospital waiting room.

But he wanted to see Eddie. The impulse was almost more than he could stand, and Buck found himself trying to peek around his sister’s back for just one more glimpse.

“What are you doing here? You’re not even supposed to know he’s here,” Maddie said defensively, maybe a little angrily.

“Please. I need to talk to him,” Eddie said, and his voice sounded more in control than he looked.

“He can’t really talk a lot right now, or haven’t you noticed?” Maddie asked, motioning roughly to the trash can of petals.

Eddie shook his head and glanced down at Buck, catching his eye around Maddie. She shifted to block the view, and Buck felt instantly colder. He knew Eddie wasn’t his soul mate, but his heart hadn’t gotten the message. He wanted to reach out and touch Eddie, to draw him closer and apologize in person. Had Eddie gotten his letter already? Did he know the truth about what was going on? Buck selfishly wanted Eddie to hug him, like the way Maddie had been hugging him all day, and to tell Buck that everything was going to be okay and he wasn’t angry.

He wanted Eddie, and wasn’t that just fucked up?

“Listen, there’s been a misunderstanding,” Eddie said. “I’ve been stupid, and I ignored my gut, and – Look, I don’t want to have this conversation through you. No offense, Maddie. I just need a minute alone with Buck.”

Before Maddie could launch into a possible tirade against Eddie, Buck said, “I’ll talk to him.”

His voice wasn’t as strong as it used to be, and it definitely sounded like he’d been gargling with nails, but he was heard all the same. Maddie and Eddie both looked at him in surprise, then his sister leaned down beside him again.

“Are you sure? Evan, you don’t have to talk to him if it’ll just make things worse. You know that, right?” she asked quietly. It didn’t matter. Eddie was close enough to hear anyway. The room was quiet enough that the closest other patients had probably heard her too.

“Yeah. I –,” Buck cleared his throat as best he could. “I want to talk to him.”

Maddie didn’t look convinced. She glanced up at Eddie and then back at Buck with concern. “If you’re sure.”

Buck just nodded before standing up, a little shaky still but without any help from Maddie. He looked over at Eddie, looked right into his eyes, and felt a faint tickle in the base of his throat. He swallowed it down, and for once it went away. Without speaking, with just the barest tilt of his head, Eddie managed to ask Buck to follow him. And with the barest tilt of his own head, Buck agreed.

He followed Eddie down the hall, out of the waiting area, and into the lobby. He had to hold the wall once they stopped, because the simple act of walking into the next room had taken all the breath and energy he had. It was worth it for the change in scenery, though. The lobby room was far bigger and with far less people. They were less likely to be stared at and less likely to be overheard.

“I didn’t want all those people watching us,” Eddie admitted quietly, worried eyes watching Buck catch his breath. Buck grunted his agreement, since speaking still hurt.

Eddie sighed and ran a hand through his hair. God, he was still so good looking, even rumpled and upset. It was both painful and soothing to see him, and Buck didn’t know how to feel about that. He was being selfish and thinking only of himself again. He wanted to hear Eddie, to see him and talk to him one more time, even though this conversation was already obviously hurting Eddie. Buck hadn’t seen him so tense and hurt since Shannon. It was all Buck’s fault, but he was so glad to see Eddie all the same. He was a horrible person.

“Lena’s not my soul mate,” Eddie said when he finally seemed to gather his thoughts.

“Oh.” Buck shrugged a little helplessly. His voice sounded kinda wheezy. Damn. “Sorry.”

Eddie shook his head. “No. No don’t be sorry. She helped me realize I was being an idiot.” He stepped closer to Buck and took a deep breath, like he was preparing to break Buck’s heart all over again. “Buck, you’re my soul mate.”

Or that.

“What?” Buck frowned hard. “Eddie, that’s not possible.”

“But it’s the truth,” Eddie insisted, stepping closer again.

Buck took a step back and let out a heave of a breath. Anxiety was the last thing he needed when he couldn’t breathe. “No. You said Lena’s initials matched. We can’t both match you. We have different initials.”

“No, you don’t.” Eddie held his hands up slightly, trying to placate the fear out of Buck like a skittish animal. “Lena’s full name is Elena. EB, Buck.”

He was going to be sick again. Eddie wanted to help, but this wasn’t the way to do it. He couldn’t help. It was over. Buck shook his head. “No. Eddie, I know you want to… to fix this, but you can’t just –.” He wheezed when he tried to catch his breath. “Lying isn’t going to make me better.”

Eddie sighed in frustration. “I’m not lying, Buck. Look.” He pulled his shirt down to show his chest.

As promised, the letters EB caught the light like little scars on Eddie’s chest, just above his heart. Shit. Hanahaki had little to do with why Buck suddenly lost his breath. His hand shook as he reached up and touched his own letters through his shirt. Things didn’t work like this, not for Buck. His life wasn’t some fairy tale where things worked out at the last minute like this. It wasn’t possible. It just wasn’t.

“Buck,” Eddie began, but Buck shook his head again to stop him.

“I –”

What could he even say? Slowly, he pulled his shirt up to show off his own chest and the delicate lettering there. ED. Buck stared down at his letters, breathing shallow and no longer able to tell if it was from the plant or from shock.

“Please,” Eddie tried again. He was closer. “Buck, I was stupid. I wasn’t in the right headspace when I met you, and I missed all the signs because of my own drama. I was self-centered. I wasn’t paying attention. I – I didn’t even think about my soul mate until after the tsunami, and I was too wrapped up in my own fear to notice…. Buck, I literally forgot your first name wasn’t Buck.”

Buck laughed without thinking, laughed at the absurdity of the statement. But maybe it wasn’t so absurd. It wasn’t like Buck went around thinking about “Edmundo _”_ or calling Chimney “Howard” in his head. He let his shirt drop.

“Buck. I couldn’t live with myself if I didn’t at least try to save you. Actually, I… I don’t know if I could live without you in my life at all. So just let me try?” Eddie took another step forward, and Buck didn’t retreat. Eddie sounded so hopeful.

He wanted it to be Eddie. He’d wanted it to be Eddie for over a year now. But Eddie had been distant, and Eddie had been married, and Eddie had been going through the grief of loss, and Buck was just happy he got to be there for Eddie in the moment. He hadn’t needed to prove anything. He’d just been… He’d just been happy. Genuinely happy for the first time in so goddamn long.

“Eddie,” he said, and he sounded as wrecked as the day he’d tried to confess to losing Christopher in the tsunami.

He took a shuddering breath and looked up at his best friend, did his best to look him right in the eye. He had surgery in two hours, but was it possible? Hanahaki was self-inflicted, really. It was the soul bond reacting to a broken heart. Buck had never heard of someone finding their soul mate in the same person who had broken their heart, but that had to be possible, right?

Eddie took another step forward. He was close enough to reach out and put his hand on Buck’s shoulder, close enough to try and put his hand on Buck’s cheek. But Buck flinched away.

“I’m scared,” he admitted, though he hated those words. They were true.

He was scared of the surgery and losing his family. He was scared of coming out on the other side as someone he didn’t recognize. But he was also scared of letting himself hope this was real. He was scared that Eddie would try to fix him and it wouldn’t work. He was scared of breaking his own heart by letting it happen. He was fucking terrified, okay?

Eddie slowly put his hand against Buck’s cheek, and Buck let him. The older man gave a tiny, shaky grin. “Me too,” he said. “What if it doesn’t work, you know? But I don’t want you to forget me. I don’t want to lose you. And that’s enough reason for me to try. Right?”

“R-Right,” Buck agreed, because he almost always agreed with Eddie. And Eddie’s hand felt warm and brilliant against his skin.

Slowly, annoyingly slow actually, Eddie leaned forward. He was giving Buck time to reject him again, but they were past that. Buck took as deep a breath as he could and then leaned forward to kiss Eddie. God, even if it didn’t work, at least he got to know what this felt like. For the next two hours, he’d have the feeling of Eddie’s lips against his and know he’d done everything he could to find a way to make it work.

Eddie’s hand slipped up into his hair and held him close. His other hand wrapped around Buck’s back and pulled them together. Buck grabbed Eddie’s face with both hands and tilted his head to urge the kiss onward. He was a good kisser, and he knew it, and now he was going to prove it. If this was their last meeting, Buck was going to leave a damn good impression. He kissed Eddie again and then coaxed Eddie’s lips open with his tongue. Eddie only gasped a little bit when Buck slid his tongue inside and led Eddie into a kiss as passionate as Buck could manage with the amount of air he had.

When Buck pulled away, he was proud to say Eddie looked rumpled for an entirely different reason. He looked dazed and surprised and a little dreamy – although that last one could be Buck’s imagination.

Buck took a few deep breaths to steady himself from his own breathless haze. He wanted to grin wildly from pride and fulfilment, but instead his brow knit and he frowned. Something wasn’t right.

He took a slow, deep breath and stared just over Eddie’s shoulder as he thought. Eddie’s hands came up to rest on his wrists. “Buck?”

He took a deep breath. He took a Deep Breath. Capital D. Capital B. His chest felt funny. It was like a bunch of ants were skittering along his ribs. It was a pretty horrifying thought, but somehow it felt… relaxing?

He took a breath as the feeling faded away, like a muscle cramp finally loosening.

“Buck,” Eddie said again, and when Buck refocused on him, he was smiling.

“What?” Buck asked, distracted.

Eddie’s fingers squeezed Buck’s wrists. “You’re breathing.”

“I’m –“ Buck hesitated. He took another, experimental, deep breath. He felt nothing. There was no grip around his lungs, no tickle in his chest, no scratching in his throat. He felt… almost normal. “I’m breathing,” he murmured in awe.

His eyes had to refocus on Eddie again, and now his grin matched Eddie’s. No, it surpassed it. Buck was beaming. His blood felt like it was full of helium and he could lift off the ground at a whim. He gripped the sides of Eddie’s face and kissed him hard. Again. Again.

“Eddie, I can breathe,” he said, though he sounded breathless when he stopped to speak. His voice was still rough, his throat still sore, but he could breathe clearly for the first time in days.

“It worked,” Eddie said with a little laugh. He released one of Buck’s wrists to tug his shirt down. The little letters on his chest had darkened, more like a burn than a light scaring. He laughed again. “Thank God.”

He kissed Buck once more and then pulled him into a tight embrace, nearly tight enough to make breathing difficult again. But Buck loved it. He never wanted it to end. He could stand there in Eddie’s strong arms for an eternity and never complain, because he’d been two hours away from losing this forever. So close. Too close. And he felt that intensity of fear and relief echoed in Eddie’s grip.

Maddie found them standing there a minute later, a nurse trailing behind her. They both looked sad until they saw the grin on Buck’s face. He was pretty sure he’d be grinning even when he fell asleep that night. Or forever. Whichever.

* * *

The hospital wouldn’t let him leave without an x-ray. Only when it came back clear of any sign of Hanahaki did they admit he’d been cured. The nurses congratulated him and looked honestly happy that they didn’t have to assist him with the procedure. It wasn’t every day that someone cured themselves of Hanahaki without surgery.

“Well, that was a roller coaster I never want to ride again,” Maddie said as Buck handed off the paperwork that meant he could leave. When Buck turned to her, she put her hand on his face and smiled. “And I’m really happy it worked out for you. But I swear to God, I will smack you both silly if you ever put me through something like this again. Got it?”

“Got it,” Buck said, still smiling. They hugged and she kissed him on the cheek.

Eddie hadn’t been allowed back for the exam, but he was still there when the Buckley siblings walked out. It was just past six in the evening, just past when Buck had been scheduled for surgery, and he was breathing the fresh city air with clear lungs. When he spotted Eddie, Buck gave into his urge and quickly wrapped the other man in his arms. God, he’d wanted to do this for so long – just be allowed to touch Eddie whenever he wanted.

“Hey now,” someone called who sounded suspiciously like Bobby. Someone else wolf-whistled, and that had to be Chim.

Buck pulled back from Eddie enough to look toward the voices and found his team walking over from the patient drop off area. The station’s SUV was parked on the curb. Chim was clapping and giving another cheer. Bobby was smiling, his hands in his pockets, but it was clear he was relieved from the soft look in his eyes. Hen was a minute from actually crying.

“I may have called the station while I was waiting,” Eddie admitted and rubbed the back of his head shyly.

Hen reached them first, and Buck quickly swapped Eddie for Hen in his arms.

“Oh, Buck,” she murmured into his chest, her voice full of enough emotion for both of them.

“Thank you so much, Hen,” he said, squeezing her tight. “Sorry it seems like it was for nothing. I just live for the drama, you know.”

“Oh, shut up.” She pulled away and smacked him in the arm, but she was still watery-eyed and smiling. “God, I think you aged me ten years.”

“Didn’t age me at all,” Chim said with a shrug. “No one told me you were even trying to leave. Too bad you’re not. Guess we still have to share the kitchen with you and your weird snack foods.”

“You’re a sweetheart, Chim,” Buck clipped back as Maddie gasped dramatically. “I was really gonna miss that caring attitude of yours.”

“Yeah, me too,” Maddie added, sounding scandalized. Chim laughed, and so did she, so there were no hurt feelings.

While Buck’s eyes were on his sister and her boyfriend, Bobby snuck up beside him. It wasn’t smooth enough to startle Buck when he noticed, but it was still a bit surprising to have his captain so close. Buck’s smile went a little confused as he and Bobby made eye contact for a moment too long. Then Bobby was drawing him into a hug too.

“I’m glad you get to stay,” he said quietly into Buck’s shoulder. “You’re family, Buck. I hope you understand that.”

“Thanks, Bobby,” Buck murmured back just as quietly. Then, because his chest couldn’t contain all his emotions, he said, “I love you.”

“I love you too. We all do.” Bobby gave one final squeeze and then pulled away. He cleared his throat, gaining everyone’s attention. “Well, I think this calls for a celebration. Who’s up for a nice dinner?”

For Buck, the cheering of his family was only outdone by the feeling of Eddie sliding his arm around Buck’s waist. Damn. The night couldn’t end any better.

* * *

The night got better.

The team got dinner out, and Bobby paid for it. Then Eddie insisted on driving Buck home, since Maddie had driven him to the hospital. Except they didn’t go to Buck’s apartment. They went to Eddie’s house. And nothing beat the sound of Chris squealing with excitement when Buck walked through the door.

Buck hugged Chris twice as much and twice as long throughout the evening hours before the kid had to go to bed. Eddie let him stay up past his bedtime, but eventually Chris couldn’t hide his yawns. Buck helped tuck him in and basked in the ability to see Chris through another bedtime.

As Eddie led the way out of the room, Chris’ little voice piped up to call Buck back.

“Yeah, bud?” Buck asked, kneeling by the bed. He put his hand on Christopher’s curls and felt the love swell in his chest. “What’s up?”

“I just wanted to tell you that I’m really glad you’re happy again,” Chris said sleepily. He pushed his head into Buck’s hand. “And I’m glad you’re here. I love you, Buck.”

Damn. Buck felt his throat close up with emotion, not flowers. “I love you too, Chris.” He kissed the boy on the forehead and then stood and left the room.

Eddie was watching from the hall, wearing a soft smile and with hearts in his eyes. He led the way back to the kitchen, where he grabbed them two beers, handed one to Buck, and then leaned back on the counter. He waited until Buck had opened his beer and taken a long drink before he spoke.

His smile faded and he swallowed. “Buck, I need to apologize.”

“For what?” Buck asked, his own joy fading under Eddie’s frown. The evening had been so perfect. What was wrong now?

“It’s my fault for what happened. Now –,” He held his hand up to stop Buck’s protesting before it could begin. “I know you think it was all your fault, but it wasn’t. With everything going on in my life, I hadn’t thought about finding my soul mate in years. I had Chris. I had everything going on with Shannon. I had so much spinning around in my head, that I misread all the signs about us. And then you got hurt in the tsunami and, I don’t know, I was so worried about Chris and about you and about us that I tried to compartmentalize and think about something else. I thought about Elena and my initials, and I ran after it without thinking. And you got hurt because of it.”

“Eddie,” Buck tried to object, but Eddie wasn’t having it.

“That’s the truth, Buck. I tried so hard to make it work with Lena, but – and you should know this – she figured out you were my soul mate before me.” Eddie rubbed the back of his neck nervously. “Uh. Turns out I can’t go ten minutes in a one-sided date without talking about you and Chris. Repeatedly.”

Buck’s laugh startled them both, but then they were chuckling together. Buck’s smile was back on and he felt light again.

“I forgive you, Eddie. Alright? You figured it out in time, and we’re gonna be okay.”

“We are?” Eddie asked, a little dubious.

“Absolutely.” Buck set his beer down and crowded Eddie against the counter. “Better than okay. We’re gonna be amazing. I know it.”

His grin was reinfecting Eddie. “Well, that’s a relief, I guess.”

“Eddie Diaz, I’m gonna be the best soul mate in existence,” Buck promised and pressed himself up against Eddie completely. “Now that we’re official, I’m gonna rock your whole world. Trust me.”

“I do,” Eddie said with all the open honesty possible. “Well, I don’t trust you to stay out of the hospital, but, you know, with everything else.”

Buck laughed, full and loud, then he dropped his forehead to rest against Eddie’s.

“Good. So let’s forget about the last few weeks and just get back to being us, okay? I miss us.” Buck pressed a kiss to Eddie’s lips, still reveling in his ability to do that, and beamed with excitement when Eddie chased his lips. “And, if you’re ready, I’m totally committed to this. I wanna date you so bad, and I wanna tell Chris and the whole world. I’m never leaving again.”

Eddie’s hand found his waist and slid up his side. “I’m definitely ready to make up for more than the past few weeks,” he said. “I’ve loved you for a while, and for once I really messed up by keeping my emotions in check. So yeah, I’m ready for the next level.” His hand slid down to Buck’s hip and held on. “I love you, Evan Buckley. And I’m gonna remind you every day, so nothing like this ever happens again.”

“Oh, I won’t forget,” Buck promised, giddy. “I love you, Eddie Diaz.”

Eddie put his beer down and grabbed onto Buck instead. Buck took a deep breath against Eddie’s neck and smiled. He’d never take any of this for granted – not the team or his job or Eddie or Christopher or the simple act of breathing. None of it would escape his notice, because all of it was a miracle. He’d never forget how important any of it was. Never.

He grabbed onto Eddie’s body, and he didn’t let go.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks again everyone! Love you!


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